Worthless and Weak

to quote myself:

"there is no joy in sleep itself. The joy one feels when one sleeps is of being tired, and being able to rest. You become tired because you did things, and the rest allows you to appreciate the things you've done, and to prepare for more things yet to come. When one does nothing, he rests from nothing, and thus his sleep is worthless. How well will you sleep tonight?"

I wrote that to use as an away message, and decided to put it up whenever I've felt that I accopmlished something that day. Other times, I would just have a different away message. So, last year I had great pleasure putting that up and knowing that I had done something. This year, I haven't put it up a single time. Not once. So I guess its official, from getting to school, to today, I haven't accomplished a single thing. Not one. Not when I stayed up two days straight writing a paper and studying for a finals, (both of which I think I've nailed), not when I've met new people, not a single time after playing frisbee. Not when I've come to a realization about my life. Not once.

So there wasn't a single time when I thought I accomplished anything worth doing this year. Does that mean that I'm a completly pitiful worthless person? I hope not. I've had two real goals since coming here. Two very different goals, and one could say that they are in conflict with one another. Both of them seem utterly unattainable, which really sucks, and I don't know where to start with either of them.

I guess I might have learned that wanting something really badly isn't always enough. You've got to be intelligent about it and work hard towards it. Well, through the grace of God, I've attained one of the goals before, and I guess I want it back now. I know it's possible, because I've done it before.

So, here I am, perhaps further from both of my goals than I was before they were huge priorities. Well, who cares, (not you, thats for sure). Life sucks if you just remember the good times. I've learned that you've got to look to the future. Thats what you really need to do. And, I guess that means I'll make a good try at the attainable goal, and say bye-bye to the unattainable one. And hope, and pray for the best.

Sorry for being deliberately vague, but the chances are you might already know exactly what I'm talking about, if you're one of my friends.