Worthless and Weak

"Why do you notice the speck in your brother's eye, but you don't notice the plank that is in your own eye? Why do you say to your brother, 'Let me take that speck out of your eye? Look at yourself first! You still have that plank in your eye. You are a hypocrite! First, take the plank out of your own eye. Then you will see clearly enough ot take the speck out of your brother's eye."

--Matthew: 7, 1-5

"Humility: once you think you've got it, you've lost it"
--Dan Olsen


I like to think of myself as a humble person. Which is a stupid thing to do. Because, well, the act of thinking yourself humble is in and of itself a very unhumble thing to do. But anyway, I think myself quite humble, because well, that's something that I really try to work hard on, and because the phrase above is perhaps my favorite Bible verse, and stuff like that.

But, for a while now, I've been thinking how much better everyone around me would be if they were as humble as I am. But, if only I realized that I am the one who needs to be humble. I've been really really arrogant lately, and I think that I've lost track of what it means to be a good person. Somebody I know has perhaps been purposely avoiding me ( i think) because they think that I would be bad for them. And after thinking about it for a while, I agree with them, I wouldn't be a good friend. And I see no way to fix the internal contradiction that makes me like that. Basically, I'm kinda figuring out exactly how worthless and weak I really am. And I don't say this to make any of you feel sorry for me, or to go out in public and show everyone how humble I am by putting myself down. I'm writing this to remind myself that I can become a better person. That I need to look at myself, and know that I need to concentrate on making Garrett Logan a much better person, not on making anyone else better. Anyway, I guess that what I've got to do is to just plain stop judging other people, and to stop thinking myself better than they are. Because well, I'm probably not that much better off than they are right now. And its hard. And I need to stop lecturing people about how they should run their lives, because, a: they're not gonna listen anyway, and b: I really don't know how to run my own life.

And, although this can certainly be interpreted as a way of telling certain individuals to be more humble, (like me), thats not what I intend it to be. I just want it to be written for me, to help me get back on track. In fact, I'm really wondering whether or not to post this. I want to post it, for people to read, but I kinda hope that nobody ever reads it. Because I really need to stop telling everyone how their lives could get so much freaking better by acting like me. Well, how about this, I post it, and if any loyal reader think that I need to remove it, then just send me an email

Well, goodnight, see you all tomorrow.