Worthless and Weak

Meredith was the name of the first girl I ever remember having a crush on. I was in the 7th grade, and well, there she was. And she was friendly to me. And that didn't happen very often back then. I only knew her for a day, but I dreamed about her for months.

I have had plenty of other crushes since then. I had one crush, which was probably my worst. First girl I ever asked out. Got rejected in the spring, dreamed about her all summer, got rejected in the fall again. And, if I remember correctly, still continued dreaming about her.

Afterwards, I stopped and had to ask myself what the whole damn point was. Why did I spend so much time on her? What did I see in her. Mainly, the same thing that I saw in my very first crush. She was there, and was friendly to me (and pretty attractive too). Eventually, I figured it out. Dreaming is bad, it sets up unrealistic expectations, which can never be realized. And, I was falling more for the dream than I was for the girl.

So, I told myself that dreaming was bad. I'd still do it, but I'd recognize that doing it was bad. And I'd admonish myself for doing it.

Today, I came to the second major realization. That all along, I was in it for the dreaming, not for the girl. Two hours ago, I had a crush on somebody. And it was tearing me up, because I was going insane over a girl that I barely know. And so I do what I do when I'm distraught and neurotic, which is to take walks. I walked all the way from Central square in Cambridge to the Fens, thinking about it and her and me and crap. When I'm out walking, I don't usually know where to go or what to do. I just knew that I had to get out of my apartment.

So I was walking, distraught. And then it hit me. Maybe I'm just in it for the dreaming. It really hit me. I stopped, stood still, and thought about it for five minutes. Then, with that knowledge, my problems just seemed to lift me. And I'm sure I'll dream about a girl again. But I feel empowered with that knowledge, and I'm ready to be in it for the girl, not for the dreams.

So today, I say good-bye to my dreams, and hello to reality. Reality is, in the end, much much better.

Cheers!

Garrett

Labels: fall, scooters, vacation