Worthless and Weak

I'm unhappy. Why am I unhappy?

I think there are a few reasons. The first is that I'm moving to a new apartment on Thursday. There's a slight amount of stress involved with that move, and maybe that's getting to me. But I think the bigger story is about the why that I'm moving into a new place. Its a minor life step, involving a fairly significant financial commitment. But the whole point of moving isn't to create any positives in my life, its almost purely to avoid negatives. Not having to fight over chores, or worry about how clean the sink is. There's reasons why I'm moving away from my place, but not too many why I'm moving into the new one, and I think that's beginning to sync in.

The other reason is that happiness I think is like a drug. Or rather, it is in some way a drug, some chemical released in the brain. And when you have a lot of it, you notice when its gone. I think that's whats been happening lately. Stuff just kind of sucks; food doesn't taste good, I'm not looking forward to things.

Anyway, a long time ago, way back when I started this blog, I came up with two rules.

The first rule was not to talk about politics. The second was not to talk about how depressed and angsty I am. The rules exist for the same reason, cause thats all that anybody on the internet ever talks about, and nobody ever listens ever. Now, I like to think that I'm a little wiser than I was 8 years ago, that I've learned lessons and that I'm not as susceptible to stupid emotions (as opposed to smart ones, eh, that is I'm not trying to say that all emotions are bad, but that to a large extent one can easily fool one's self into thinking that any little setback is the end of the world, and that's bad.) as i was back then. And to a large extent I'm right, but the things I've learned for the most part allow me to diagnose my own stupidity and to get over it. But largely, its a matter of time, that whereas before I'd wallow in misery for months, now I'm down to about a week. But I'm still there from time to time, and it simply sucks when you don't want to go anywhere or do anything, when your food doesn't taste good and when you're not looking forward to anything. There's still that time when all you want to do is just scream "FUCK YOU" at the world, and well, I'm in it right now. I'll get over it, but right now I'm in it.